Monthly Archives: May 2023

Naruto: Konoha’s Story – The Steam Ninja Scrolls Review

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It’s time for us to jump back into the world of Naruto with a spinoff that ended recently. You may be wondering how any villain can possibly hope to give the heroes a hard time when Naruto runs the world with a wholesome fist. Well, with lots of power level shenanigans but we’ll get into that later on. My main issue with the series is it feels like 90% of it is just the characters messing around until we get some brief plot at the very end before the series ends. This is a miniseries so it isn’t trying to be super grand or anything like that but at the end of the day I still think it could have done better. Still makes for an entertaining enough read though.

The series starts by introducing us to Mirai who is the daughter of Asuma. She has been trying to prove herself for a long time now but the tough part is that the village has been at peace for so long. She feels like she was never given a fair shot to show what she can do and never will at this rate. So she’s thrilled when she is added as a bodyguard to Kakashi and Might Guy’s mission…before getting saddened again when she sees this was just a cover for them to visit hot springs and have fun. Things just aren’t going her way but she needs to be careful what she wishes for because danger might be just around the corner.

There are 15 chapters here and the story is basically weekly sized so you can probably guess that the adventure will be quick. As I mentioned the first 2/3 of the series really are just slice of life adventures with little hintings of a plot before we get to the big battle at the end. You can absolutely execute well on such a story with the Naruto characters because in theory they are well rounded enough to still be entertaining. The main problem is that the characters aren’t particularly funny. In large part this is because Kakashi and Might Guy are always great in a serious context but I was never too impressed with their rivalry. They aren’t exactly op tier contenders there and since Might Guy can’t fight very much anymore…that doesn’t help things.

Mirai tries a little too hard throughout the series to prove herself and as a result she tends to hold them all back. They needed a very well reasoned veteran to help out and she was too eager to the point of embarrassing them at times. At least she could make potato chips and yes we get a full chapter of that. It isn’t until the end where she finally proves herself but it was a tough road to get there and she fell for one of the most basic traps out there. I do think Mirai has all the makings of being a good character but if you just read this series then I don’t imagine that you will have a very high opinion of her just yet. She’s still got a ways to go.

In terms of fighting ability she seems okay though. She’s hard to scale though because everyone scales quite poorly in this adventure. So lets use that as a diving board to talk about the power level issues. First off, Kakashi and Might Guy are now so weak that they can’t even break a boulder. It felt like gameplay mechanics for a minute there as the villains drop a boulder in front of the heroes so they can’t proceed. There is clearly a lot of room to go around or over the boulder but they can’t for some reason. It doesn’t make any sense but it’s even worse that they just can’t break it.

So they call in Choji but I guess old age has hit him rather harshly because he needs constant food to use his power at even a basic level. So that’s why Mirai had to make him some potato chips and then he was ready to go. That whole part of the plot will definitely make you groan because it makes no sense. It’s like a poorly written filler episode. The mini arc with Kiba showing up and our seeing a dog vs cat civil war was also more on the petty side. You’ll definitely be rolling your eyes a bit on that one.

Things pick up once they actually bring back the cult of lord Jashin. Jashin was always a character that I felt was underestimated by the Naruto fandom because in theory this is another cosmic being on the level of Kaguya. He seems like he’s definitely real because of the fact that the rituals work so maybe one day he will appear. I’m still banking on that even if the odds aren’t great because it just makes too much sense. He’s the one villain that all of the heroes will really need to watch out for or else they are going to be doomed.

His minions here are fairly generic though. They can’t fight a whole lot and use hostages to get in the way. The fight is only close because Mirai messed up. I really don’t buy Kakashi thinking he wasn’t fast enough to step in though. The nerfs to the OG characters in Boruto land definitely hits hard I guess. At least it was an excuse to see Mirai fight though and while she performed poorly against the hostage, we got some decent moves against the villain himself.

The art is on point here and I definitely have no issues there. All of the characters are on model and it’s very easy to read. On a technical level it certainly adopts the style of the original Naruto very well. With the short length there is no real downside to checking this one out because it’s so short and it’s also nice to see some of the characters again. Does it hold up in terms of story? Eh not really but it’s still not a bad title. You just wish more had happened.

I feel like there isn’t a whole lot to say even after 15 chapters. Mirai basically goes through the same character arc as Shikamaru in learning about who the King represents but without all of the hype action scenes and danger around it. Now granted, I do like that things are mostly peaceful under Naruto’s reign because it wouldn’t make sense if everything was super dangerous. That said, few stories manage to properly explain why Naruto isn’t running around taking names. Even if he’s sick I don’t see that holding him back. This is Naruto Uzumaki after all!

Overall, I’m always up for a classic spinoff. This story probably would benefit from a marathon read more than weekly since you’ll get to the action part a lot sooner. The review may have sounded fairly negative because there were a lot of areas to take shots at here but it’s not bad. Ultimately it ended up squarely in the middle. It was looking like a 6 for a while but in the end it just couldn’t quite make it. Another fight or two would have been good or some kind of hype cliffhanger but in the end I don’t think the story was executed nearly as well as it could have been. It’s not the kind of title that has any kind of replay value so you should check it out once if you’re a Naruto fan but that’s it. Hopefully next time Kakashi and Might Guy will look a lot better. (I also don’t buy their explanation that nothing can bring his leg back. There are so many spells and ninjutsu in the world of Naruto that should be able to do this easily…..)

Overall 5/10

Pinocchio (2022) Review

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Pinocchio is the kind of character who is so well known and respected that he has gotten countless films over the years. They really just keep coming in all sorts of different animation styles and alternate retellings. This one is definitely going for a bit of a creepier feel to it although by no means would I call it downright dark. It’s just not going to be quite as whimsical as some of the other versions and all in all it follows the main story beats that you know. It’s a fresh take which should keep fans entertained.

The movie starts off on a rather somber note as we see Gepetto and his son enjoying a normal day and are setting up decorations in the local church when a bomb hits and the kid dies in the explosion. Geppetto is really shocked into silence and eventually decides to rebuild his son using his skill in puppets. The experiment succeeds and Pinocchio is born. Pinocchio isn’t quite Geppetto’s old son but he’s a nice enough kid. The main problem of course is that he’s made out of wood and so the people in the village don’t really think of him as a real boy. The government wants to use him in warfare and a circus owner wants to use him for money. Whichever side wins, Pinocchio is the one who will lose out here. He needs to find a way to resist all of these plans for his life and just do things his way. Is that even an option though?

The intro is definitely a powerful way to start the film off with because you can definitely see how sad it was for Geppetto to lose his son like that. In mot stories the kid is already dead so we start with Pinocchio being built. Going back just a bit further the way this film did certainly makes the moment hit a lot harder. In general the movie wasn’t afraid to go all out like in showing the war and how a lot of people kept dying in the bombings. The film was certainly ready to have a bit of a deeper look at what was going on during this time period that’s for sure.

Then with the creepy designs as I mentioned, Pinocchio looks like someone that you don’t want to bump into in a dark alley. The opening scenes of him smashing everything as he learns new words would have been absolutely terrifying to see in person. Then you have the fairy which brought him to life and the one in charge of bringing him back every time he dies. Both of them look like rather surreal creatures and ones that you would not want to cross. It’s a fun vibe all around and while the core plot is still the same so this isn’t suddenly turning into a horror film, you could absolutely have seen the film going that way.

While the townsfolk and government are still rather judgmental in seeing him as a potential soldier and threat, at least having him look dangerous does add a little to that rather than everyone just being super unreasonable the whole time. We don’t get the iconic moment of Pinocchio getting drunk and smoking when the bad influences get to him which is probably for the best since it makes him look a bit stronger morally. Pinocchio certainly still makes his mistakes here and gets manipulated but these errors are more about him being naïve than weak willed this time.

Pinocchio’s never going to be my favorite character in the film because of how easily he’s used but ultimately I would say that he’s still a decent character here. He is certainly trying his best the whole time and his nose even gets to be really handy by the end. The end of his character arc here is also a bit different because of the introduction of the immortality clause. Everything couldn’t be quite so smooth this time. So Pinocchio is brought back to life every time after he dies as I mentioned before and a big catch to this is the fact that he has to wait in the realm of the dead longer and longer after each death.

Now granted the ending changes things a bit but you have to wonder what this would do to his psyche over time. Just waiting there like that is intense and especially since there isn’t much to do. At least the death fairy seems really chill so that helps but it’s yet another reason why I wouldn’t want to be immortal. There are just so many catches and outliving everyone seems rather grimm to say the least.

Geppetto was a nice character as always. He went through a lot and never ended up cracking. The guy journeyed quite far to find Pinocchio after the guy was tricked by the circus and never gave up. Meanwhile the head of the circus made for an imposing villain as always. The guy loses a bit of his bite in this version only because you know he can immediately be overruled by the government general at any time. This guy wasn’t te head honcho villain this time around but seeing the government is always fun. It absolutely makes sense that Pinocchio would be seen as a powerful soldier at the ready because of his immortality and robotic parts. In a way he could help ensure that there are no human casualties in any other battle if they could reproduce him. Of course then you run into a lot of moral issues but this army didn’t care about those things.

Now while the animation style may have helped to set up the grimm tone of the movie, ultimately I still would have preferred hand drawn style. Stop motion to me just can never really compete with the more traditional styles no matter how polished it gets eventually. There’s just something about it that is less fluid and as a result you can’t get the same high speed movements. I would say the famous animated version that came out a long time ago still looks better than this one and it all comes down to style. Still it does work well enough.

Overall, Pinocchio is a story that you may have seen many times by now but I do think this adaption approached the story in its own way and as a result it was more memorable than usual. The film has a lot of replay value and it’s one I would enjoy checking out again. It does tackle some of the more serious aspects of what would happen if a doll could come back to life after all and the themes are handled well. It’s also a movie that you could easily recommend to anyone as it’s very accessible.

Overall 7/10

All the President’s Men

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This was a really fun movie. It’s kinda fun that I got to see the parody movie based on the Watergate scandal before watching this one but that’s just how it goes sometimes. It actually makes the parody seem more and more impressive as I watched this one because they got so many of the scenes done just right to mirror this one. This movie obviously goes a lot more in depth on the actual going ons behind the controversy though. It feels like a good amount of research went into this one and it’s still really thrilling which goes to show that real life can be just as exciting as the movies sometimes.

The movie starts off with some suspicious people walking through an office looking for something. Fortunately the cops show up in time to stop them but when these guys are taken to court they get a big lawyer out of nowhere. the whole thing seems suspicious so Woodward decides to look into it. Initially the Washington Post isn’t sure that this is a big story which is why they put such a new reporter on the case but he’s confident that he is on to something. Eventually the more experienced reporter Bernstein gets involved as well although they don’t get off on the right foot with the other guy sort of shoehorning himself into the picture. They will have to try and get along though because with a case this big they seriously can’t afford to make any big mistakes.

As with just about any movie based on a true story I’d be willing to bet that some parts of the film are exaggerated and played up but it does feel like most of it would be pretty accurate here. One scene I liked in particular was when Woodward was walking down a street as he normally would. Except it was late at night and everything seemed extra ominous. There was no music or anything, just the sound of his shoes hitting the concrete with each step and he kept looking around in case he was being followed. Nobody was there as far as he could see and the film never implies that anyone actually was there but you have to imagine the reporters probably were getting rather paranoid after a while. I personally wouldn’t like walking down the streets at around 2AM in the best neighborhood and when you’re picking fights with the most dangerous people around. Well..it makes sense that you would be a little nervous.

You also have to imagine that the reporters were probably close to being murdered many times because this was such a big case. When you anger the people up top then your lease on life certainly becomes a bit more tenuous. Still they kept on the case and I was glad when the Post did back them as the boss wouldn’t drop the case either. It’s really important for someone to have your back on a case like this because if you’re completely alone then you’re really not going to be able to do a whole lot.

The best character here definitely had to be the shadowy informant. I liked how that guy had all the answers and was always stringing the heroes along. To his defense it’s not like he can take too many risks or he would be in the targeting range but I was glad when he was called out for being so vague. I suppose the movie couldn’t just show who this guy was since presumably the reporters didn’t know there. This guy was almost like Batman with how quickly he would vanish out of view and then return later on. Nobody could tail him and so this guy was definitely a master of espionage.

For a film like this the dialogue definitely has to grab you and fortunately it did. The movie is quite long but at no point is it ever boring or tedious. You’re just as invested as the characters are in trying to figure out what is going on here. There are a whole lot of players involved after all so you want to try and memorize all of the names as best as you can. Typically each clue leads to a whole bunch of new characters as well so you have to try and keep following the names and the money for as long as possible.

Then the actual witnesses all give safe/double answers so as not to get in trouble and you see just how much work it is to try and get a single story out of all these guys. It’s definitely not easy that’s for sure. Still it feels like being a reporter was probably pretty fun in those days. It’s probably a bit glamorized of course but it’s more exciting seeing them go door to door than just hopping on the internet or the phone and asking questions that way. This way has more of a personal touch and we also get to see them discussing what kinds of traps they will lay out for the suspects. Like pretending they have extra knowledge and seeing if the bait is taken.

Overall, All the President’s Men is a really good film. It reminds you to always be on the lookout for corruption because it can certainly be everywhere. Then if you do find it you have to be very careful on how you handle it or you could end up vanishing really quick and you don’t want that. Personally I’m always a bit of two minds about the big conspiracies like this because on one hand you figure in real life nobody’s ever actually clever enough to pull off something too large scale without leaving behind massive amounts of evidence particularly in the post internet era but then you also see how a lot of government people are confused by basic technology and you can see how this kind of trick worked. If it can happen once then it can happen again so films like this are also good for reminding you to always double check your sources. keep your guard up and always leave some room for doubt for yourself. In the meantime definitely watch this film though, you won’t be disappointed.

Double Dragon Review

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Double Dragon is a film that opens with its best fight scene right off the bat. That means you start off strong which is good but the huge downside to doing that is it means the rest of the experience is going downhill. Now granted, I did enjoy the film. It’s not great but I thought it was decently good. You are just surprised that the rest of the films aren’t as good as the opening because that showed you exactly what kind of potential this film had.

The movie starts off with Billy and Jimmy fighting against another pair of fighters in a martial arts tournament. They are doing well but unfortunately Billy makes a huge mistake and gets cocky which costs them the match. So they head home in disgrace and are then attacked by an enemy gang. See, this film takes place in the “future” which is the past at this point but the world’s not doing so hot. This is basically a dystopia as there is smog everywhere and a lot of acid all over the place. It’s really not safe after dark but Billy and Jimmy are rebels like that. They barely make it home where Satori lets them know about the dragon medallions. It’s rather sudden but they have to keep their half safe before the villain Shuko can get it or the whole world will be in trouble. Can these two teenagers man up and save the day or are they about to get absolutely rocked?

So like I said the opening fight is the best part of the movie. The fight scene actually has a lot of choreography to it and you can appreciate the stakes here. Nobody wants to lose in a tournament setting and Jimmy was actually doing really well until Billy ruined it for him. The fight had good music as well and with the film being based on a beat em up type game this is what you would expect. Unfortunately there are very few actual hand to hand battles after this and none of them are quite able to measure up.

Instead we have a lot of chase scenes and humor subplots but they don’t hit as hard. On the car chase I can at least appreciate the high tech gizmos that come into play with it but it doesn’t really stand out much. Then for the humor it’s often hit or miss. I like a lot of the puns and dialogue that the film is going for but some parts are just too outlandish and dragged out. For example one of the villains is named Bo and after he is defeated the villains decide to turn him into a huge Hulk type monster.

Now he’s nearly braindead and it seems like a rough fate for the guy but based on the music and scenes this is supposed to be funny to an extent. I’d say that the film definitely got lost in the sauce on this one. Any scene with Bo quickly became painful after this. You just did not want to see that guy at all and it’s not like he was a great villain before that but he definitely got even worse afterwards.

Then there is this whole subplot about Marian trying to unite the gangs and having what I guess you could equate to a nicer gang. They’re still vigilantes but they’re not so bad. With the police being extremely ineffective in this film as her own father the chief was nervous the whole time you do want this group out on the streets but it was a bit of a boring subplot. You were just waiting for the main characters to take the stage again.

The film does pick up again in the climax for the battle against Shuko though. We actually get to see the power of the Medallions in action and that also means that we have some more hand to hand fights at last. This does bring up some power level issues though because the medallion is supposed to be a big deal. It can even end the entire planet after all so what are two teenagers and their fists going to do about it? Well, at it turns out they can apparently do a whole lot about it. Kind of an odd way to dehype the object right?

Basically it can split you into shadows and has some other vague abilities including the ability to control someone else’s body but Shuko looks way too unimpressive. I just don’t buy him losing to the characters like that. Now I will say one hype thing about the climax is that we do get the iconic costumes at last. The costumes look really good too so the effects team held nothing back here. They should have given the heroes those costumes from the start but this was still a good way to end things. It showed you a bit of promise on how things could have been.

The movie tries to really nail the bantering dynamic between Billy and Jimmy but you just don’t feel like it works. There aren’t enough scenes of them actually being pals so it feels like they low key just don’t like each other. Even by the very end of the film one of the brothers tries to run away with the girl and ditch the other one only to be outsmarted by the guy already being in the car. It’s of course played up as a funny ending but yeah they spend most of the film being at odds with one another. The sequel probably could have fixed this but that’s not really in the cards.

Overall, At the end of the day Double Dragon isn’t a great film but it’s a pretty fun one. It’s a very old school title with a lot of campy action and witty banter. While not all of the film’s humor lands, I’d say that enough of it does. The villain has a classic base and the effects hold up well so you will appreciate the scenery behind him. The world isn’t very well thought out and it’s not super memorable but the film did try being grand here. There’s just enough unique elements about the film to make you want to keep coming back. I dare say there is a good amount of replay value to be found here although a modern remake could likely execute on the game’s premise way better. This could and should be an elite film just based on the game so I need the next one to focus on the fights a whole lot more.

Overall 6/10

Zack vs Jinpaichi Mishima

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Suggested by iKnowledge Jinpaichi is one of the more powerful Tekken character. He is absolutely not someone whom you want to take lightly. When you mix in his masterful hand to hand combat abilities along with his super strength then going up close isn’t a great idea. Fortunately for Zack he has magical materia for long range options and the sword also gives him extra reach. Anything Jinpaichi can do in terms of movement or speed, Zack can one up him. Ultimately that’s why Zack will win this one. He’s the more balanced all around fighter and has the stats needed o take Jinpaichi down for the count. Zack wins.

Venat vs Makarov Dreyar

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Suggested by iKnowledge Venat is a very skilled healer and someone who excels at being a support class fighter. She certainly wouldn’t be going down easily but Makarov is much more adept at offensive spells. He should be able to easily keep her at bay with hi attacks and healing can only take you so far. She doesn’t have the speed to keep up with him, nor the durability to stay in the ring after a few hits. This is why she will end up going down. Makarov Dreyar wins.

Saturn Girl vs Iron Tager

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Suggested by iKnowledge Iron Tager may not be the fastest Blazblue fighter but he is still strong enough to take the advantage here. Saturn Girl will have a tough time trying to keep him at bay and mostly her attacks do revolve around getting close to her opponent. The instant she gets close to him he will be able to defeat her with a devastating strike. His raw power is just too great. Iron Tager wins.

Saturn Girl vs Hawks

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Suggested by iKnowledge Saturn Girl has powerful telepathy to be sure but I don’t see it being enough to take down Hawks here. Hawks is extremely precise with his strikes and his feathers allow him to land numerous blows all at once. Saturn Girl may be able to predict the attacks by reading Hawks’ mind but ultimately she still won’t be quite fast enough to dodge them all. He will still end up having the edge in combat and she doesn’t have a real way to counter him. Hawks wins.

Blue Thunder Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as a review of the unedited version would likely be more negative

Blue Thunder is one of those films that has a fairly interesting plot but also unlikable main characters. There is one particularly egregious scene which realllllllly ends up hurting the movie as well. Ultimately if you are looking for those rare helicopter fight scenes then this one should be the ticket for you but otherwise it’s definitely time for a good skip. Watch Top Gun 2 instead for a solid film involving aerial combat.

The film starts off by introducing us to Frank and Richard who are two helicopter pilots who basically do frequent patrols around the neighborhood to make sure everything is going well. Well one day they come across a crime that seems like a potential mugging but the victim was a councilwoman and she ends up dying. It was a very odd neighborhood for this kind of attack and Frank notices things that don’t make sense around the area which all get missed in the police report. Unfortunately he doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on as he’s already known to not be the best at just following orders and his boss thinks he is sort of going off the ravine again. Can Frank get to the bottom of this mystery?

See, this is normally where you’re supposed to get annoyed at the boss because he’s slowing Frank down and not letting him do his job. Usually that’s the case at least but here’s the problem, Frank actually is a very bad employee. It’s not even one of those things where it’s close. He abuses his power in order to spy on people. The worst scene in the whole film is Frank and Richard invading a lady’s privacy and staring at her through the window from long range so she can’t see them. It’s really an awful scene all around and well past the boundaries of being even remotely funny. It’s just inappropriate and that alone should cost them their badge.

So when Frank is getting upset about the bosses zeroing in on him…well he definitely earned it. That scene also has nothing to do with the film and seemed to only have been added as fanservice. Cut that out and the film is immediately a lot better. The worst part is that the characters don’t really pay for that. Sure Richard has a painful time during the film to be sure but it’s not directly related to this scene. Then Frank gets to play the hero as he runs around blasting at everyone.

The film is at its best when it’s focused on the actual mystery. For example Frank’s friend Kate helps him out by going to the reporters and we get a fun little side plot near the end. One of the villains even sends a goon after her but fortunately she didn’t fall for the trap and then the reporter came through in time with the security guard. That was definitely fairly tense and the reporter was impressive. He felt like he could have been the lead in a different film.

As for the main villain Cochrane, the guy is definitely not very subtle about being a villain but when there is so much corruption in the ranks why would you bother hiding right? The guy can basically do whatever he wants to a large extent and it’s not like anybody is going to be able to stop him. He’s just going to do whatever he wants and will keep on doing it until someone can stop him. He plays the villain role well and is the most entertaining character in the film to be sure. The guy’s just so sarcastic the whole time.

The effects for the helicopter scenes definitely hold up really well too. I’ve always preferred planes in most areas since I feel like they are faster, more agile, better equipped, etc. But you still don’t want to underestimate the Helicopters because there is a lot that they can do. Part of the focus in the film is that they are testing an experimental one which will have so much firepower that it is basically a mini army in its own right. The dilemma here is obviously that having so much firepower within the city is a huge risk, especially if it’s in the hands of someone like Frank.

I’d say he proves that he’s not trustworthy for using it throughout the film. It also has a lot of invasive hardware in it like a super long range scanner to hear anything anyone says from any range. Not exactly the kind of tech that you just want anyone to have right? It was even funny in a way how in the army demo the company gave we saw a ton of innocent people being destroyed in the simulations. There just isn’t a way to get this kind of weaponry to ever be super safe without some collateral damage. Not without some kind of big technological breakthrough at least. The action scenes are good though and the film’s pacing is on point.

Overall, This film had potential but that one scene just dragged on way too long and was way too detailed. It also destroyed both main characters in an instant to the point where they were impossible to root for. The conspiracy angle was done well although most films have done it better. We get some minor hand to hand kind of action here but mainly it’s about the vehicles and that is handled well. I still wouldn’t recommend this film but it’s fairly close to the border of being a solid pic. If you can get behind that one moment of Frank being the villain then you should have a good time here.

Overall 4/10

One Missed Call Review

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It’s time for a retro horror film and One Missed Call definitely lives up to what you would expect there. It’s a horror film that plays it very by the numbers without a whole lot going for it beyond being…well a classic horror film. This one involves phones and a villain so powerful that it’s like you’re fighting against destiny itself. The film doesn’t have a particularly strong cast or memorable visuals to keep it afloat but at the same time it’s certainly not the worth horror film I’ve seen. I doubt I’ll even remember it too vividly several years from now.

The movie starts with the most intense scene in the film to be honest as a lady walks towards a pond when a giant hand emerges and drags her under. It also grabs the cat so the film decided to start off with an animal death for some bizarre reason. Leaving that aside for a moment though, the scene gave the villain a pretty intense design right off the gate and it was memorable. It reminded me of the Redead hands from the Legend of Zelda games. Unfortunately after this you will not see any memorable designs like that at all. In fact once we see the actual mastermind at the end of the film, the villain looks super unimpressive. Basically normal if you will and that’s no fun.

All right so back to the plot. Everyone is worried about the way the girl died and then another girl gets a voicemail from her number but it’s from a future date and has another girl’s voice. This girl promptly dies at the exact time of the voicemail and this “Phone curse” continues to spread. Each victim receives a call from the last victim with a voicemail dated at the exact time that the next victim will die. In essence the instant you receive this voicemail you are already dead which is a sobering thought unless you can escape destiny. Beth is the main heroine of the movie and she has a little time while all of her friends are bumped off. Once they are gone though then she will be next in the firing line. Oh I should also mention every victim gets a candy that they spit out after they die. Pretty random detail but its so random that it’s actually kind of interesting so I’ll give the film credit there. Of course it is explained later on but even if it wasn’t that’s the kind of randomness that can make the situation even scarier.

Fortunately she has the help of Officer Jack who believes there is something to this. Unfortunately the rest of the police don’t buy this so he’s on his own. Now it’s great that he believes since there is some evidence to support it at least but the guy is super sloppy. So the biggest potential evidence here are the phone calls right? Tangible calls that you could trace to see what is going on. Well…over halfway into the film he remembers that you can do this and looks them up but it was such a basic thing he could have tried from the start that it really stands out. You just think “Cmon man” because it would have been easier if the film just said all records mysteriously weren’t there. Really make this as supernatural as possible.

After all this is supernatural so why would it need to follow conventional rules anyway? Jack mainly does good here but I do have to say that one mistake so many characters make is putting their eye right next to the keyhole. Seriously even in real life you don’t want to do that because the door isn’t very well secured at all. Just being near it is a dangerously bad idea. Trust me on this, you do not want to do that! Just stay away from the door and he was probably doomed anyway but it didn’t help matters.

We do get the tragic backstory leading up to the origin of the curse later on and the film gets fairly dark with the lore as you’d expect. Again all fairly common for this kind of film but it also just feels rather forced. I think the movie should have actually not had a backstory for what was going on here. It’s way spookier for this to be happening for no real reason. Just give us a way to actually fight back and then you’re set. For example, that giant undead creature from the opening was super spooky so that’s all you need on the scares front. Have the team try to figure out a way to defeat it.

I knew the film would be cheating as soon as the Star Wars “Force Choke” scene happened. So one girl named Taylor had a really good idea. She allowed herself to be recruited by a supernatural TV show where they record people being possessed and try to save them. These guys may be crazy or scammers but now she’s surrounded at least right? Well the ghost/demon/mysterious villain shows up anyway and just chokes her using invisible intangible powers. There was nothing Taylor or anyone could do and that’s when I realized how futile this was going to be. The villain was too powerful.

In any horror film you have to try and balance out the villain being really powerful and imposing while also giving the heroes some kind of chance to fight back. There always has to be some hope or else why are you even watching right? If the only option is to wait around for your death then that’s inevitably going to get boring and so the film needed to introduce more of a weakness. Taylor’s death just felt unfair the whole time because unlike the other characters I actually thought her plan was as close to full proof as possible.

I haven’t talked much about Beth and in large part that’s because there isn’t a whole lot to say about her. She really stands for being your average everyday person just trying to get out of this situation but she doesn’t have much character beyond that. You’re hoping that she will get out of this in one piece but that’s definitely not a guarantee in a film like this.

Overall, I can see why One Missed Call wasn’t really a hit. The film wasn’t super balanced and didn’t always seem to know what it wanted to do. It’s a fairly serious film with an intense threat but the world wasn’t very fleshed out and there’s nothing to write home about here. While the film isn’t super violent, you definitely do have some intense deaths here. The dark backstory is also intense of course. I did like some of the spooky visuals like the Centipede and the hand in the opening scene but that was about it. The rest of the film just didn’t land and you should give this one a hard skip.

Overall 3/10